My gig last week went pretty well. I had some friends come listen, thank God because at a certain point there was literally no one in the bar.

The interesting thing about this bar Le Cinquante was that it was much like an old house with several rooms comprising a complicated floor plan. The piano was in the back room, where most people only came to go to the bathroom.I rather enjoyed the set up cause we could play in a room by ourselves, but be heard through out the bar.

Elena was bothered by the situation, and it was hard for me at times to stay focused.

But the best part was that the two girls I give singing and piano lessons to came to listen with their parents. They are a wonderful family from California who came to Paris for a year. I find them fascinating that they did this together. And even more so, I adore the girls aged 11 and 13 who are everything one could hope for girls that age. I think it's such a great idea to bring them to another country at that age. Most american girls are getting lost in the popularity game at that point. What great timing to be faced with a world where suddenly no matter what you do, you don't quite fit in. You are forced to develop those inner muscles of self-esteem.

One of the girls plays piano and she was about to quit before her mom found me. Years of classical training was getting old. I've introduced her to the world of blues, and jazz and improvisation, and I have a wonderful feeling she in it for life now. Whether or not she is professional is never my concern. More so is the idea of giving her an outlet to express herself. Something that can be hers no matter what happens to her in life.

The girls being there felt like kismit since it happened to be a piano sax gig - a rare find. And they happen to be a pianist and flutist. I wondered if some day they would have their own gigs together. Or maybe just play at home together. Hopefully it would smooth over some of the bickering they are becoming accustomed to.

I just read that the reason the lonely feel alone is because they find no meaning or purpose in their days. That night, though I made no money and hardly had an audience, I felt a sense of purpose. And this is what keeps me coming back to music.

Something I think that has been a HUGE block is the idea that in order to be a musician you have to be Special. The minute my mind starts in on this fantasy is the minute I become a terrible musician. I'm all in it for myself and I lose that sense of purpose which seems always to be a connection to others, never a separation. Wanting to be special is exactly this, wanting to be different, apart, ie... lonely.

Tonight, I set my sights not on standing out or being special, but rather playing the best I can so I can be part of something greater than myself. So I can serve in whatever way I can. I consider myself lucky to get to serve the music, the other musicians, the audience - no matter how big or small.

This might seem evident to some, but it's been a long time in coming for me. And it takes so much pressure off me, I can't describe. I imagine I'll still be nervous tonight, but with my thoughts well placed I think I'll be able to channel that energy. And if not, maybe I'll learn an important step in what it would take to channel it.

I know one thing for sure, that my hesitation comes from doubts. And this makes me off in my timing. But when I trust completely, I'm a different player. I "swing" as they say. Which means nothing more than being in harmony with the others in the group.

And ironically, the only reason I ever doubted myself is cause I knew deep down I was fantasizing that one day everyone would realize I'm the most special person on the planet:) Who could trust themselves when they are hiding such a selfish thought deep inside? No one can win if it requires others to loose. And this is what it would take to be special, everyone else would have to be... well... not.

Writing this here is a confession, but I'm glad to be rid of it. As well as hoping that it solves the problem of my reluctant heart. Until I got my head on straight, I guess I was putting the brakes on myself.

Now with my mind set on the big picture, I'm ready to go full speed ahead. Wish me luck tonight.

- Lyndol