From the outside, I had everything. On the inside I was scared and confused. I was with out any mode of self identification, nor self expression. What I was, was an expert at defining who I was based on what was most pleasing, least offensive, most accepted by those around me. And since different crowds came and went, I was dizzy and lacking any sense of stability. There was nothing to anchor me to myself.

When I think of it, I feel lucky I survived this time. But I guess it wasn't luck. Two things were my life lines: my philosophical search for answers in my mom's metaphysical self help books, and french.

Both interests were born to me in my 14th year, and welled up from the deep void that was swallowing me. I'm convinced now they rose from my soul at just the right moment to give me something to hold on to, in what turned out to be a long dark teenage coma.

When I awoke in my 20's the bubble world I had lived in burst. Our family was crumbling as mom decided to leave us all in search of herself. The appearance of the surface perfect family left with her.And just like that, we could no longer pretend we where happy. We were outed. All the ugliness we tried to hide from each other was forced to the surface.

I was forced to admit my life was not headed in the direction I had envisioned for myself. I was no where near the woman I hoped to be at 20 and my life was a series of choices that I knew weren't really me. Quite honestly I felt shallow, empty and unlovable. I blew where the wind took me and had not the muscles for conviction. I saw that if I continued this way, I never would have the strength to live a life of integrity.

I turned whole heartedly to my life lines now... reading more new age books than ever, and deciding that my one chance to change was to go to France to study. It was the only clear goal I could imagine for myself. 5 months in Strasbourg. I hoped desperately that it could change everything for me.