Bio Part III - Rise and Shine

I went to France to study abroad for a semester in 1997. Strasbourg, capital of the then newly formed European Union. I could see the EU complex from my balcony, but it's significance was lost on me.

As were many aspects of my experience there.

Those 5 months seemed so long, so far away from what was my whole world. Not Texas per say, but a boy that lived there.

A boy I had met just prior to leaving.

I think when one is accustomed to sleeping through their life, this is the hardest habit to break. I wanted desperately to awaken and take charge of my life, but my will just wasn't strong enough to turn away from the traps lulling me back to sleep. There were just too many of them every single day.

This boy awoke in me my love of music, but he all too quickly became another excuse to keep sleeping. For it felt as if I were really to awaken, he'd be gone. I loved him more than I loved myself, more than life, more than God.

And I came back from France no longer empty. But I was filled with nothing but thoughts of him. Worse was my complete sense of failure at having spent most of my time in France wishing I were back home with him.

Needless to say, despite a sincere love for each other, our relationship was not healthy and after a few turbulent years, my fears were realized. In order to really awaken, I had to loose him.

And in his absence, I had only my love for music. If for no other reason, it was a connection to him. And so by his most cruel actions, he was my kindest savior. Stinging me awake everyday - bathing me in the Pain I'd been sleeping to avoid. And the only thing that made any of it bearable was music. His gift to me was the motivation I needed to play music. And his gift is a gift of a lifetime that I will forever be thankful for.

I was always a singer, that much was clear to me. But I wanted to learn an instrument to accompany myself as I was too shy to search out other musicians. Oprah had given some advice for women who were lost to themselves. She said to look back at things we did as children.

Well I played piano. So 9 years ago, in the midst of a terrible break up depression, my mom took me to a pawn shop and bought me a keyboard.

6 years passed by like that. I worked a corporate job as a photo researcher and lived for my nights and weekends of creativity.

I didn't date too much, didn't have too much of a social life for one main reason... I was scared to death I would loose myself again in those around me. I was determined I'd rather be alone and hear my own voice, than fall back unconscious.

All this time, music and my arts were a way to heal myself, to express myself. To find out what I really wanted, who I really was, what was truly important to me.

My self esteem had been so low, and my self doubt so high, that it took that long to begin to know myself again. Like a scientist, I only accepted the themes that kept returning over and over again. I wasn't able to tell what was real and what was fantasy, what I like and what I disliked, except by a measure of constancy and persistence. My mind changed a 1,000 times a day on all issues, but certain thoughts kept returning whilst others faded with the seasons and years.

Paris was one of those thoughts that stalked me. A passion always ignited in me at the thought of learning French as a girl, and the love I felt learning french in college.

I was late twenties by now and my friends were all settling down. My social life was weddings and baby showers and truthfully, I wanted this too. I wanted to be where they were, but no matter how much I wished, I just wasn't ready for this. I felt I couldn't breath when thinking of the life that starts after the wedding, usually involving a suburban morgage.

Feeling more and more out of place, I finally found the courage to go out in the world again. Babysteps. It always takes babysteps!