Life in Paris

The Breaking Point

Lifeinparis — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 18:31:53 GMT

Last week I hit the breaking point. I seriously thought I could not handle one more thing going wrong. Nothing big, just seemingly endless medium sized problems that were strangling the life out of me.

But I'm still here, thanks to my mom and my friends and lots of crying. Something in me broke though, under all the pressure of trying to start my 4th year in Paris. Something let go that needed to. Some rigidity finally shattered, and I'm breathing deeper, feeling lighter, caring less but enjoying more.

Prepared Not Paranoid

Lifeinparis — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 11:41:32 GMT

With the threat of Swine flu looming over the start of a new school year, a pertinent question is "what happened to the Avian Flu?" That last pandemic threat, commonly referred to as "Bird Flu", has all but disappeared from the headlines. Widespread media coverage ended in 2007, with a human death toll of 243. Does this low number indicate the pandemic was successfully contained? Or in fact was the situation over hyped by paranoia?

Bird Flu History

First cases of the Bird flu date back over a hundred years. It was identified in poultry, in Italy, in 1878. Though the symptoms were the same as normal flu, one particular strain was characterized by the sudden onset of symptoms, fast contagion and death within 48 hours. To add to this deadly mix, this strain proved a mortality rate of 100% in all chickens infected at that time.
The modern Bird flu threat began when the virus showed up mid-2003 in Asia, both in wild birds as well as poultry. Scientist, by then, had identified many strains of Avian Flu. They classified only a few strains as containing the above mentioned fatal traits. Many Avian flu strains are harmless and have no symptoms at all.
Prior to this recent appearance, 24 outbreaks were recorded since 1957. Only one of these outbreaks spread internationally. Though costly to the agricultural sector, the disease did not seem to pose a threat to humans. Why, then, did the 2003 outbreak cause such concern?
In the general history of animal viruses, influenza doesn't jump species. In only the rarest cases can single type of virus strain infect multiple species. With the Avian flu, there are only four strains that can cross over and affect humans, H5N1, H7N3, H7N7, and H9N2. Of these strains, three induce only the mildest symptoms.
However, the H5N1 Bird Flu Virus is a huge exception. Characterized by the deadly mix that caused the poultry catastrophe in 1878, it's short history has proven just as devastating to humans as birds. Between 1959 and 2003, the H5N1 crossed the species barrier three times. Though only 8 deaths were reported by the time it appeared in Asia 2003, it was already tagged as a virus to keep an eye on.   If given the opportunity, it could mutate to a virus that easily jumps not only from bird to human, but then human to human. Given it's killer stealth, there is no doubt of it's potential to cause a worldwide pandemic.

Global Response
Looking back, we can clearly see the dangerous potential the disease threatened to cause.   Speed and ease of global travel added to the disease's modern malice. This information better explains The UN World Health Organization's determination to contain the disease before it had a chance to mutate. Authorities recognized that complacency in the situation could be deadly.   “With SARS, we learned that only by working together can we control emerging global public health threats," said Dr. LEE Jong-wook, WHO Director-General “Now, we confront another threat to human health and we must reaffirm existing collaboration and form new ones. At the international level, WHO, FAO and OIE stand together in close working relationship to provide the necessary guidance to Member States.”
Initially, the disease did indeed confirm suspicion by spreading to 15 countries in 2005. It's speed increased in 2006, when the total number of countries infected rose to 55. Experts were alarmed in spite of the relatively small number of human deaths, because 50% of all confirmed laboratory human cases were fatal.
By mid- 2007, however, the number of countries with infected poultry decreased to six and the disease fell out of the headlines. Was the world save by human measures? Did science, modern communication and cooperation truly succeed in curbing a global disaster? Or does this assessment give the international response undue credit? Was the world, in fact, just lucky?

Actions Taken
Collaboration of many sectors was imperative in global retaliation against Bird Flu.
The fact is the response was almost immediate due to the red flag Scientist had placed on the virus long ago. Diagnostic tests for humans existed before the 2003 reappearance.
In 2005, the year the disease started jumping borders, the UN established a new position to lead the comprehensive effort. Dr. David Nabarro was appointed the UN Senior Influenza Coordinator. He intensified efforts with teams located in "several continents with the mandate of coordinating the activities of more than a dozen UN agencies, and in turn meshing the work of the UN with national governments and other international agencies and donors."
Dr Nabarro operated on the emerging Scientific consensus that modern diseases are crossing over the animal human threshold with greater and greater ease. Some studies feel this is due to altered or degraded natural environments. Whatever the cause, "Controlling disease in animals lies at the root of preventing human infections and reducing the probability of a pandemic," Dr. Nabarro says. "There is a need for professionals who work on animal and human health, environmental health, food safety and crisis management to work together so as to ensure the world is better prepared for diseases that threaten the security of the human race."
Officials worked together in a massive effort to stop the flu at it's point of origin, destroying it before it had a chance to mutate or spread worldwide. Culling, the process of reducing an animal population through selective slaughter, was the first line of defense. This process had to be done properly as carcasses could spread the disease. The humans working with the poultry were most at risk of catching the disease, so proper procedures was of vital importance. Modern communications and successful diplomacy allowed governments across the globe to communicate openly about cases reported. International aide was provided to deal with the economic repercussions of culling.

Negative Secondary Effects of Prevention Efforts

The measures taken by Officials, both NGO's and Governments, to prevent the pandemic were intense and comprehensive. To date, the disease has not mutated into a form that can pass directly from human to human. But many wonder still if these measures had anything to do with the fact that Bird Flu has not live up to it's potential threat. It is impossible to draw a line between the efforts and the effect. However, there is a negative secondary effect of paranoia and misinformation to the global community. To what extent did the global community suffer from the efforts themselves?
"I am very, very interested in bird flu, and I do think it's a real concern, but at the moment, there is paranoia over it that is not justified." said Dr. Andrew Weil, a Harvard Medical School graduate. "This virus is not contagious person to person, so the current fear of it is unfounded," he said. "That doesn't mean we don't need to keep a close eye on it. We do. But we don't need to lose sleep over it." Dr. Weil wrote this in the height of the scare when medical officials were being inundated with Bird Flu concerns. Should people give away their pet birds? Should culling extent to wild birds? How bad could this flu get?
Medical studies are conclusive that stress contributes to poor health. Stress over a coming pandemic is no different. 26,000 people die of common flu in the US every year. From bird flu, less than 500 humans deaths have occurred world wide in six years. This puts the bird flu threat back into perspective. There were perhaps not enough voices of reason. Some how the message was not clear to the public that measures were in place to prevent mutation. At the time and still to date, the disease does not have the capacity to cause a pandemic. The word's "potential threat" somehow were interpreted to imminent danger. "Anxiety about Avian Flu is spreading far faster than the disease. Watch enough reports & and you could worry yourself sick," he wrote.
From this paranoid thinking, many birds, especially wild birds, were killed unnecessarily. Vaccines were not available, or in many cases were not used. In April 2005, the UN Food and Agriculture Organization and the World Organization for Animal Health urged the use of vaccines. In a joint effort, they insisted that culling would not be an acceptable method of control due to "ethical, ecological and economic reasons." Despite this recommendation, culling remained the preferred method.
Over compensation incentive could have attributed to excessive culling. It's possible that judgment could be tainted by the process of dispensation. It's impossible to conclude if the culling was effective or to what extent if was over used. But a result was that many rural areas affected by the disease were deprived of a valuable protein source, leading to additional health issues.
In some cases, Governments responded irrationally. There is much evidence that economic loss incurred from the paranoid decisions. For example, Columbia's poultry was banned from 5 countries when it's Government notified the World Health Authorities of an inflected flock of chickens. The chickens were tested and results showed a harmless strain of the virus, not the H1H5 strain. But 5 misinformed governments banned Columbia anyways. In retaliation, Columbia banned rice from Bolivia and Ecuador. These measures made no scientific sense and only caused chaos and hurt commerce.

What was learned?

Humans have a long and sorted history with the flu virus.
In 1918, governments kept the Spanish Influenza a secret in an effort to control hysteria. As a result, it was allowed to spread unabated. At least 50 million people died worldwide. "My grandmother told us about horse-drawn wagons carrying corpses through the streets of Philadelphia back then," Dr. Weil said.
Preventive measures have come a long way since then. Simple techniques such as washing hands and covering mouths when coughing, have proven the best methods to control the spread of the flu.
Governments have also learned to keep the public informed, even at the risk of panic. It took the SARS flu situation to really bring this point home. According to the Avian and Human Pandemic Influenza - Economic and Social Impact report given to WHO headquarters, there is evidence that during "SARS the costs arising from panic and disruption were magnified by an initial lack of public information."
"Governments and health officials are more prepared to face flu epidemics with effective chains of communication, and strategies," reports Dr. Nabarro. " the work done on avian influenza has laid the groundwork to address the current pandemic."

Swine Flu + Bird Flu = ?
The current pandemic, H1N1 Swine flu, has already killed more humans than the Bird flu in only six months. Swine flu, unlike Bird flu, not only has the capacity to pass from human to human, but does so with ease. It's saving grace is that it's mortality rate is very low. In fact, most infected with the swine flu make a complete recovery with in a few days, and with out anti-biotics or anti-virals.
However, the bird flu continues to circulate. Though not getting much air time, the disease threatens to be a kin to Afganistan. As attention is focused on the Swine flu, it could get the time needed to morph itself into a virus that commands our attention. The April 2005 meeting consensus by the FAO and OIE warned that culling would not solve the problem. "The (bird flu) virus (was) widespread in wild and domestic bird populations, meaning it will continue to re-emerge no matter how many birds are killed." The disease has surfaced several times since 2007. Scientist all along have worried about the long term affects of the disease. "What we know is this H5N1 flu has been very persistent in staying around. That is why there is such concern it will mutate and spread in humans," said Dr. Eskild Petersen, a UA infectious- disease specialist. Bird Flu is out of the news, but as time goes on, it's threat increases.
In Geneva, Switzerland on May 18, 2009, Dr Margaret Chan, Director-General of the World Health Organization warned a general assembly of health organizations and officials, "Moreover, we must never forget that the H5N1 Avian Influenza virus is now firmly established in poultry in several countries. No one can say how this Avian Virus will behave when pressured by large numbers of people infected with the new H1N1 virus."   Officials greatest concern is a flu virus with the human to human speed of contagion that the Swine flu posses, with the high mortality rate of the Bird Flu. They want to minimize the contact of these two virus'.

Prepared Not Paranoid
The speech given by Dr. Chan to the World Assembly was appropriately titled "Concern Over Flu Pandemic Justified."   The scientific facts illicit concern.   That is concern, not panic, not paranoia, not fear.
Global citizens, with access to 24 hour media have a responsibility to remain informed and prepared, not paranoid.
A healthy trust in world leaders will only be established with a "proven track record of credibility, accurate and timely disclosure of information," Milan Brahmbhatt states in his report on the Economic and Social Impacts of Avian and Human Pandemic Influenza.   This track record is being rewritten as we speak.
"The emergence of the H1N1 virus creates great pressure on governments, ministries of health, and WHO to make the right decisions and take the right actions at a time of great scientific uncertainty, " proclaims Dr. Chan.
The learning curve is step and consequences can be fatal. Everyone is in this together, facing a new world, with new diseases. Cooperation is imperative. Dr. Chan asked one final question in her recent address , " Are the world’s public health services fit-for-purpose under the challenging conditions of this 21st century?" Swine flu could be telling.

Tips from the UN Safety Council for Swine Flu
1) If someone with confirmed or suspected H1N1 infections shows symptoms including shortness of breath, chest pain and high fever lasting beyond three days, they should seek immediate medical attention.
2) in general, identifying students who are ill and keeping them at home is more beneficial than school closures.
3) use of surgical face masks is recommended only for patients and health-care workers.
4) use the new Draconian Cough method, cough into your sleeve, with a bent arm, in the manner of Dracula. Officials say it's more sanitary than coughing or sneezing into your hands

Basil Albader and Guests at Cafe Universel, Paris

Lifeinparis — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 13:51:12 GMT

This was a night to remember for jazz enthusiasts. Brought together by the charistmatic and creative drummer, Basil Albader, the musicians on stage last Saturday night were breaking ground, exploring the limits of music today. As teachers and Alumni of the American School of Modern Music, they all have a strong foundation in the language of jazz giants past. But the hyper vigilance to respect the history of jazz that I find holding back so many Parisian jazz musicians today was no obstacle to this band of musicians. Their reverence to the masters was no obstable. They didn't hold back one ounce of their own creative spirit, nor were they pinned to a dead idea of perfection. Instead, they were free to explore all realms, with ease of instrument and mastery of many musicial languages.

Steve Browman, pianist currently living in Guadelupe, who was in for the occasion, brings the most history to the stage. He lived Brooklin in the 50's and 60's and lived the concerts of legends. But the sunshine of the island is not mixed with the cement of his youth, and well, his sound was something utterly unique. He combined small delicate touches, with huge, booming sounds at all the right moments.

Edouard Brenneisen, guitarist, currently living in New York, brought the experimental spirit and set the tone for something new with his compositions; all a bit dark but non the less beautiful. The bassist Laurent Salzard surprised me most, as I as was un impressed from a previous performance I had seen him play. But this night he was spot on with a groove and a flow to admire. Most of all, his suprisingly creative lines made him every bit an intregale part of what was happening on stage.

It was Phil Hilfiker, saxist, who seemed to me, the unofficial band leader. His respect not only of the music, but the other musicians as well as the audience, created an atmostphere of true exchange. He played a humble role at times, and like a giant at other moments, all in service of the music. All in tune with what would bring out the best in the other musicians, the best in the notes. His vibe lead the way through traditional standards like Giant Steps to free-flowing improvisations born of songs like Peace. A master arranger, he seemed to play from an awareness of the whole picture, not just his part and be arranging on the spot.

Finally, Basil Albader, my absolute most favorite drummer I've met in Paris, was infallable, fun, passionate and innovative as always. I am not alone in my enthusiasm, as everyone who knows him loves him not only as a drummer, but as a cool guys as well. No doubt, he is responsible for bringing this group together for all the right reasons. I hear this was his last concert in Paris, as he leaves for Berkley in the fall. His career will take exciting new turns, no doubt. But all these men are musicians to keep an eye, for they seem tuned into the true spirit of music today. All these men are leaving a mark on the sound of Jazz as we speak. All these jazzmen hand picked by Basil for a memorable night that went far beyond the traditional definition of jazz.

Inspired by the Nature of Bourgogne

Lifeinparis — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 13:21:35 GMT

I just got back from my trip to Bourgogne, a beautiful wine region in the middle of France. I left Paris 3 weeks ago because I had lost my sense of hope, my sense of possibility. Three years in this city of lights, chasing my dreams, and I felt no closer to realizing any of them. In fact, I felt even further because I had begun to question the very nature of my ambitions. The life of a struggling artist in Paris is hardly peaceful. It's filled with longing and rejection and lots and lots of pasta. But in the end, what was I strugging for? Success means essentially fame and money. I know these things won't bring me peace either. So I had lost my inspiration for doing my art.

Life had led me here, and yet now I felt abandonned and confused. Like I had hit a dead end. Nothing left to do but turn back and head home. Give up. Be a failure. Never had I felt so lost.

In an act of desperation, I headed to nature to find the answers I sought. Which direction was I to go next? What was my next step? How had I become so lost?

It took weeks, it really did. Weeks of not thinking about any of those questions. Rather, I distracted myself with manual labor and the listlessness of wheat fields in the wind. I became lost instead in the pleasant ache of my heart at the site of an endless blue sky with clouds sailing by. Drowned in the determination of capturing by paints the essence of a old Tree whose bark fit together like puzzle pieces.

Somewhere from the silence beyond all things, I remembered that I wasn't lost at all. And can never really be lost, not when I allow myself to feel the love, the peace, the beauty that is so abundant even in this messed world.

As an American, most of my friends and family are dealing with a type of financial stress we've never known before. One of my dear friends even committed suicide over her troubles. Things for me seem darker than I can fathom as there is no end in sight, and yet I am at peace. Like the sunflower standing strong in the middle of a field of whithering compadres, I will stand strong in the face of the nightmares that dance and twirl around me. And I will hold my peace. By doing this, I will remind others to keep the faith, to guard our hope and hold it dearer to us than money ever was or could be.

Life twists and turns on it's own whims. But it can't harm us when we remember what's important in life. It's all about the love we show and feel. When we remember that nothing that happens in life can ever take this away from us, then peace and strength returns. From this state of mind, we are inspired to greatness, to be the best possible version of ourselves, not chasing our tails for shallow pursuits, but rather living our true potential. Finally claiming what Einstein proclaimed as our dormant human powers.

If i am to return home now, it will not be as a failure. It will be as a light for my loved ones. My purpose in art is to inspire, I have been reminded of this again and again. And my loved ones go with me everywhere. We are connected by our love.

We'll wait out this drought together, shielding ourselves from the hot sun by the shadows of our dreams to come. It is inspiration that will keep us going, spreading it's seeds of hope and renewal. It will see us through, till the rain falls on us again and washes away all our fears.

Paris + Hot = Almost Unbearable

Lifeinparis — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:02:14 GMT

I understand now why most Parisians leave this city for the month of August. We've been hit with a heat wave that is a sneak preview of one hot summer. No AC, mixed with pollution makes me want to escape this city fast. I'm fortunate that I have a trip liined up for the French country side. I know it will be hot there, but I'm hoping that the air will not feel so suffocating as it does here. My friend is convinced the chemicals in the air are becoming active. Seems like everyone is coughing and everyday just keeps getting hotter and hotter as the air doesn't get a chance to cool down.

Rain please. Maybe many are in this position right now, I know Texas are. But we are used to this, and are prepared with AC galore. Here we can only open our windows and bring out the fans.

I'll be gone for a few weeks, and am hoping the nature and fresh air will finally revive me. I'm still not caught up from such a year of ups and downs. And hence still am wavering about another year. I'm praying for clarity and nature is always my sure fire last resort, so here goes.

Best to everyone, hope you have a nice july.

Nothing But Good News

Lifeinparis — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:58:14 GMT

Here is it, the 2nd official day of summer. After all the challenges I've faced over the past months, my hope has returned just as surely as the sunshine. And I have nothing but good news to report.

Despite everything, I didn't give up on school.Something I am proud of in itself since my life in particular seemed to be throwing every obstacle my way. But I didn't get distracted, I stayed focused and reasonably calm and peaceful. I called on every resource I had, and entered into the room of the jury with my wits completly about me. Mo was with me too, I know. I thought of her continually as I waited 6 hours to play before the panel of professeurs. I was nervous and afraid, but the moment I started playing, I was not longer in the small room in from of musiclally saturated masters of jazz. I was in a field of rolling green grass, sitting in a comfortable chair created by the smooth, amazing bass of my teacher Peter Giron. I played from my heart. And mistakes were made, but they were forgotten with the next note. There was only me and the music. The fact that I could fnd that space under the harshes of mental circumstances, it has given me more confidence that I can explain. I did make it into the annee instrumental, exactly what I was hoping for, but the true gift I got from this year was that experience. I will never again be able to doubt myself the way I used to. I will remember that place of peace I found, and I will return there time and again. It's a place beyond time and judgement, beyond myself, beyond this world. And I do believe it was Mo who guided me there.

Last night I had a gig with some amazing musicians. I was only singing and perfectly happy to do so, since the Pianist, Wil is AMAZING and a great friend. The gig went so well. I returned to that place again, that space that consists of nothing but music, we all went there together. And not only did we have a great time and feel good about what we did, but we also got paid more than originally contracted! that's right, the bar owner was so happy with us, that he paid us each 10 euros more than promised. What a night. My third Fete de la Musique and not only was I part of a super gig, I was paid well and treated so well, whisky and sandwiches... doesn't take much to make me happy:)

So it's decision time on whether to take the opportunity before me, stay in Paris another year for the annee instrumental or go another directions. I feel it's time to celebrate where I am, and explore my options. But I am definitely leaning toward another year in Paris.

Master of Playing with Heart-Stephanie"Mo"Morris 1975-2009

Lifeinparis — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 16:53:13 GMT

Yesterday, they laid my friend down to rest. My gorgeous, kind, talented friend was buried and I just can't express how broken my heart is. I am not sure what to write here. Though it's been a week, I am no where close to having processed this. I don't understand it still. I don't understand how someone so beautiful, so full of love, someone I considered enlightened and full of light, could descend to such depths of saddness that she would end her own life at the age of 34. She had everything to live for, husband, music career, friends that absolutely adored her.

But it happened, and all we can do, those she left behind is accept that she won't be in our lives. I won't ever be able to do that album I dreamed up, with her on guitar, back up vocals and clarinette. You see, when I started music again, at age 24, she was working a few cublicles down from me, at our corporate job. She seemed way too cool for me, but she was so nice and approachable that one day I gathered my nerve to ask her to come play with me. She brought her guitar to work with her, once a week, since she went straight to a lesson after work. So I knew she played. And lord knows where I got the courage or balls to think I was ready to play with someone, after only a year of playing around on my own.

She was the perfect person though. An angel sent to me. Not only did we play well together, but she was so patient and encouraging. Never making me feel stupid or pointing out my obvious shortcomings, though she was a much more solid musician than I. This egolessness is a trait that is much harder to find than great technique or a lot of confidence. Many musicians, here in Paris especially, have developed technique and confidence to insurmountable heights. But patience, and kindness, gernerousity in music is much harder to find. She was a rare gem, someone who played effortlessly from her heart.

We ended up moving in together for a period of about 10 months. A fun, small little white house, in the old part of Austin. We both worked on solo albums, but had each other collaborate on a few songs. We dreamed of leaving our cubicle jobs. We plotted and supported each other in our dreams. She was to go to Chicago to live with her boyfriend. And I was just to figure something out, and get out by summer. We both accomplished our goals, as we finished our albums, and I found a job teaching In Wimberley. When she drove away that summer with her boyfriend, heading for Chicago, I jumped tracks that same week to the coarse that brought me to Paris.

i cherish that time we had. It's funny the memories that come back to you when you loose someone. Like buried treasures, they resurface in response to the extreme desire to be with that person again. I have also been searching for clues, seeing if there were any signs back then, almost 7 years ago, of the clinical depression she fell into these past months which led to her fatal decision. So many good times, so much laughter. She had this joyful, childlike innocence. She even seemed to always be springing about, with goofy giggles. I can't find any evidence in our time together. No foreshadowing.

IT was onlyin her songs I found some answers. Her song Devil seems to describe that terrible mindset that can enprision someone and turn life into a living hell. Her song I'm Gonna Sing made me realize that even though she killed herself, she did do her absolute best with her life. She gave so much, maybe she was just too tired to go on. I wrote to her dad an email, and send an accappella version of Amazing Grace we sang for my album. I thought the song might be good for the ceremony. I just found out that he ended up reading my email as well, and here's a small except...

"Her life was an absolute triumph, she gave more
love and showed more integrity in her 34 years, than most in a
lifetime. I think she was just too pure and innocent for this messed
up world."

I truly believe this. I never thought earth angels would take their own life. But now I know that there is so much I don't understand. I hope she is not in pain anymore. I feel her love and I feel her support helping me get through this, as I still am facing my biggest challenge yet, the jury of professors this Thursday. I'm realizing that while she can't be in my life the way I dreamed, I do feel closer to her now. Though it's in a different way, I can still have her in my life. Perhaps she can be even more of an angel now. No limit to what she can do. Her death is helping me now to realign my priorities, as I finish school and face all the decisions I've been delaying. She is reminding me that it's only love and relationship that gives life any meaning. Art, music, any accomplishment is meaningless if we forget about the love we are meant to share.

My little bro, my wise little bro who has grown into a wonderful man gave me great insight last night. He is on the bachelorette, maybe you have seen him - Robby D. I haven't been able to watch him because I'm over here and he hasn't had much time on air up till this last episode. So finally last Sat, youtube had some clips I could watch. And he was just so himself, there on the cheeziest show, I could see my cuttie bro just being vulernable, taking risks, and putting himself out there. I can't describe how much joy this gave me. I was descending into my grief and watching this gave me hope again, for no reason I can explain. i was able to clear my mind and start working for my exams again.

When I told him this, he said this...

"I realized this week that the show is not about me but about what the show has done for my freinds and family. and when you said that story about u finally watchin the show i definately teared up knowing that i could help you so much. continue to do what makes you happy and you cant make a mistake."

This is the advice I am taking with me as I face the jury, face a definitive judgement of how far I've come in technique these past 3 years. No matter what, I am going to go in there and do my best to play from a space of love and joy. And whatever the professors say, I'll take consolation that my strength is not my technique, but that I have been fortunate enough to have learned from a Master, Stephanie "Mo" Morris, the most important part of music, which is how to play with heart. And this by it's very definition can never be judged or qualified. It takes faith, and friendship, and joy, and a balanced life. And when you play just because it makes you happy, you can't make a mistake. My very first musical partner taught me this lesson. And as I honor her memory, I thank her for this. I had forgotten this, as it's not something taught in school. Actually with such a focus on technique, school seems to be contrary to this idea most of the time. And sadly, it's rare to find in other musicians where competition and struggle becomes a way of life. With the endless pursuit to have the best technique, there seems to be no time left for practicing to be a better person. What a rare and precious gift she gave me and continues to give me, to never forget to work my muscles of patience, forgiveness and compassion. To never forget the importance of playing from the heart.

I ask her spirit to be with me always, especially in music. To help me create a circle of compassion and love with everyone I play with and everyone I play to, from here on out. I love you Mo! Always! Thank you dear, dear friend for all you gave and are still giving. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. You mean so much to me. - Lyndol

TO Choose the Path with Heart

Lifeinparis — Sun, 03 May 2009 01:04:42 GMT

With much great advice from fellow PNN bloggers, I'm standing strong behind my decision to not decide what will happen when this school year is over. I have plenty on my plate right now to deal with, Have I yet mentioned what the last 7 weeks of the 3rd year Jazz school entails? Oh, how I would love to tell you ALL about it, but I'll just give you a short condensed run down.

First of all, I face two juries at the end of the year. One is my prof, then other is a panel of profs. Each time, I play their selection 3-4 tunes off my memorized list of at least 64 jazz standards. I play the theme, accompanyment and solos with a bass players and drummer. For the second jury in front the panel, I hopefully will get my arrangements approved, so I'll be able to play 3 prepared pieces first, with Charlene, a singer and guitist, bass and drums. Then they can ask to hear more from my list, if they want to hear a swing, or a 3/4, or a ballad, searching for my weaknesses.

Working on all this comes on top of an already heavy load of solfege, dictees, memorized solos, what we have been doing every week of this year. Plus another arrangement due of one of my compositions.

When I decided to come home back in February it was in part because I was giving up. I'm going to be honest with you here. I'm in last place as pianist in our year. There are 6 total, and I'm defintely the 6th. All three years I've been way behind. I started the school so much further behind that has always been my comfort in last this struggling last place. The difference between my technique and the others has steadily become less and less. I seem to be lessening the gap between us. But as of last February it was clear that I was still not up to the standard of a jazz pianist.

It isn't as bad as it sounds, jazz pianists in training aspire to such levels of technics that I've never even dreamed of. Coming from rock and country, and folk, my theory was always reach for the sky and even if you miss you'll land amoung the stars. I figured if I am never a jazz pianist, training to be one will make me at least a solid pianist in my styles. Something I must confess I was not before I started this school 3 years ago.

I know I have progressed already beyond my wildest dreams, but I also know that my confidence is still not where it should be, as it's hard consistently falling below the mark. And when it was becoming obvious last February that I was not being considered for one of the end of the year ensembles, I felt really hurt. Althought I saw it coming, i felt like such a looser. I often feel like an outsider in school, and am never quite sure if it's because of my language barriers or my music style or my worse fears is that it's because of my inferior musical level.

Last february was a low point, but since then, things have been looking up. My teacher did end up putting in me in an ensemble in March. I lost a day of work before this and the extra day to work on school... well I'm not sure if it was this or that things I had been working on all along just started coming together finally. But my teacher saw something in me just in time to believe that I could handle an ensemble. Most of the musicians were already placed by then so he made a special one where he'll be the bassist. He puts on the best musicians in ensembles as a means to reckoommend them to pass for the 4th year. I'm not ready for the 4th year, but he really wants me to do the annee instrumentale, where I'll prepare for the forth year working hard on my instrument.

Another year to lessen the gap? Do I take it? Just when I was giving up on paris, I have been surprised by some encouragement to stay. But i'll have to kick ass at the juries. Or do I start to blaze my own trail now, giving up on this constant working to fit into the shadow of the great jazz musicians how have gone before me.

Today I'm wondering if it's my lack of confidence that has kept me feeling separate. More than anything else, perhaps what's holding me back has nothing to do with technique as much as with my silly mind games, comparing myself to other musicians. Coming up short and then falling into paranoia. Maybe this is the wall I feel, the barrier, it's my own "blockage" as they say here. When I get in this place I get so angry at my teachers, the other students. i guess anger is my defense, but I'm not sure against what.

I was watching a crazy movie last night, Hard Candy, and there was this random line about how becoming vulnerable in front of the camera is so hard. When most people open up, it's mostly to show their weaknesses. But models are special because they can open up and show their strength, their power, their confidence in themselves, their belief that they can do anything unashamedly. It made me start to think. I think this could be true for being vulnerable with anyone or in any situation. I spend a lot of time being so afraid of playing terribly, and being judged not worth.

But I never even dare to imagine what it is like to stand in front of everyone as the best version of myself - complete confidence, no mistakes, no apologies, not shrinking to fit in, only pure love and light and possibilty. Maybe this is what I am most afraid of, and it's easier to hide behind my own mind games and my insecurites, it feels safe there though it's miserable.

I know the best me doesn't have time to compare or get angry at what others are doing. I need to be bossing on music as much as possible. The best me needs to have some fun doing this, knowing no matter what happens with school and after, I'm only going to continue to grow in music and life and most of all in love.

And...

When school is over, I'll make the decisions I need to make based on the outcome, in the meantime I'm going to work on what's directly in front of me, clearing away mind games, working on the music and finding the courage to be vulnerable. I take inspriation from a great quote from Don Juan in Carlos Casteneda's book The Teachings of Don Juan, "You must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you must not follow it, you must not stay with it under and circumstances... any path is only a path, there is no affront to yourself or others in dropping it if that is what your head tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you! Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask ourselves, and you alone, one quesiton... Does this path have a heart?" Take care and hope your day is filled with heart! - Lyndol

I'm Singing in the Rain

Lifeinparis — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 01:40:56 GMT

Today I was caught in a downpour while scurrying home from a private lesson. I had planned to cut across Champ-de-Mars to get to the grocery store before it closed at 8. I was about to start my ritualistic cursing of my poor decision making skills. I could have taken another metro and avoided this. But my self abuse was stoped in it's tracks as I noticed I was wincing. That's right, as I was quickly crossing the street before a line of cars. I was wincing and cringing with every drop of rain, and there were sooo many to wince at. I noticed that each drop that was hitting my head was making me crinkle up my face and body, as if I were being burned with acid or something.

This was just rain, a nice, natural shower. Suddenly I remembered how much I used to love to play in the rain. Mom made us come inside if it lightening, so we were always waiting for a nice april shower just like this one. As I remembered this I let go, stopped wincing and just tilted my face toward the sky as I waited at the next cross walk. A huge smile hit my face as I realized what a blessing this rain was. I looked around and saw how beautiful Paris is in a rain shower, at dusk. Car lights glaring in the water spots on my glasses. The rain felt so good falling on my skin. I was listening to a version of Beautiful Love by Bill Evans and the song came alive. The rain fell in rhythm with the notes, the harmony expressed my joy at being alive in that moment. Only minutes before I was recoiling in terror. What was I so afraid of? That my hair would be ruined? I would melt? In fact I think I was most afraid of that voice in my head that would start up on me, the voice that loves to call me an idiot and second guess every decision I make. The voice that makes it almost impossible for me to make a decision.

Which brings me to my next point, I've been going back and forth about my decision to leave Paris. Ever since I wrote that I decided to go home, last February, what a roller coaster I've been on. I'll write more about all that later, but for now just wanted to say that I did get into the funk band that I tried out for last week! And I do have a chance to go on in school, for a forth year of working my instrument... something I do want to do but oh God, I'm effectively undecided again. Should i stay or should I go now? and is there really such a thing as a bad decision, or do we always end up going down the path we are meant for, even inspite of ourselves?

Parisian Diner Party

Lifeinparis — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 19:11:22 GMT

Last night I was invite to a diner party. Something I haven't really noticed until last night, was how much this is the thing to do in Paris. Quaint diner parties of about 10 or so with GREAT homemade food, lots of wine, and interesting mixes of people.

Amazing photographer, Diana Lui invited me to her studio diner party. Knowing her, I knew the party would be filled with accomplished people in the photo industry, but also knowing her, there would be a lack of pretense. I was not disappointed. As we ate her spicy beef rice dish, out of a bowl with chop sticks, speaking conversations that jumped from french to english, I was having the time of my life.

There was a world renowed photographer from Lebanon at the end of the table who looked a lot like Groucho Marx, as was pointed out by Diana's world reownowed photographer boyfriend. Mr. Marx was a character, insisting that since he could not smoke inside, he prefered not to eat as well. Nor drink wine. Only water. His stance enable an exception to be made for him, and he was then given a place on the swing a few yards back from the table, where he could smoke and eat at the same time, since for him, it was impossible to separate the two activities. Looking down the table to Groucho on the swing, who was always saying something interesting... I was giggling all night.

Unusual for a french party, he was the only one smoking. But then again, it was more international than french. Diana is from Malaysia orginally, and she told stories of how many different types of bananas and mangos one could find at the markets back home. One banana was so big, almost a foot long and huge. And she said it had a taste more like a vanilla potato.

Her boyfriend is Parisian, but parents are from Yugoslavia. He had war stories, tales of famous jazz musicians he photographed and a teasing manner than ofset the serious critiques of Groucho and the gallery owner from Toulouse. This gallery own was an expert at food and wine. He was severly offended by the red wine being server in large glasses that were convex, instead of concave at the top. He was almost angry for most of the diner, but as the night passed on, he finally switched from the white wine (servered in normal glasses) to red and tried this new type of glass. The aroma was stronger, as had been explained and he finally conceded his criticisms ...about that subject. He had a severe nature, but then again, that is typcially french. Criticism of diner parties seems to be a pasttime for some here. There is even a show on TV where 5 people each throw a dinerparty for the others and they grade each other based on food, table settings, ect. They have confessions cams for the guests to critique and one person wins in the end.

There was also a young girl who worked for Polka magazine and had spent 6 months in India on a french alliance exchange.

I brought with me, Debra Stanly, amazing opera singer that I have written on this site about before. She is finishing her studies in Germany and came to stay with me for the weekend as she takes lessons with her old coach, preparing for a principal role this summer at the Aspen music festival.

The last guests who arrived very late were a french girl and her australian boyfriend who currently reside in New York... a favorite subject of the night, as many of us living in Paris dream of new york, the all night metros and restaurants, the energy that is so unique and so attractive to us artists and performers.

I drank a little too much and was flying high by the end of the night... as we rode the metro home I talked incessantly of the many hillarious moments from the night. I had so much fun, I'm thinking of throwing my own diner party.... I'll keep you posted!

But in the meantime, if you get invited to a Parisian diner party, go! You can expect that the diner will be served much later than expected, that you will drink too much wine and that there may be many awkward moments when conversations runs dry, or language skills come up short or different cultures clash. But the over all experience is SOOOO worth it.

Rue Cler - Sunday Market

Lifeinparis — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 22:32:42 GMT

It's become a sort of ritual of mine, when I have the time, I like to go to rue Cler's market on Sunday mornings. It's really the only place open on Sunday morning where you can by supplies like produce. Even better is the traiteurs, the stands that have ready made dishes like Ratatouille, and poission. Today I bought a brouchette - (kabob) and some indienne rice, all my vegetables for the next few days, and some fresh farm eggs. Though the lines can be long, it's fun to be part of the rush of french familes buying what they need for their sunday lunch, which usually doesn't really start until around 2. By then market is closed and all are relaxing at home.

Today is was raining and it gave the crowded shops an unusually cozy feeling. The older man in front of needed help cramming a dozen apples into his wicker shopping bag with out crushing his baguette. I wondered what he needed all those apples for. Umbrella's lined the narrow street and frozen Romanian girls stood shivering with yellow flowers in hand to sell. They had no umbrella's and I was tempted to buy some of the flowers for pity's sake. But they were over priced. I've learned from experience that I can buy the same little flowers every spring in the metro for half the price. and they usually don't last too long.

It has been cold. Spring has not arrived, though there has been a lot more sunshine which I'm thankful for. My cold is linguering and I've lost some of my income due to cut backs with the economy. But in the same day I was offered to open for a band, playing my originals. Today I am arranging the song Nature Boy, which I love because I'm able to express how much I am missing nature right now. Missing wilderness and quiet, old trees and clear streams. I'm missing mornings spend drawing tree portraits, one of my old habits I lost in my city life. Is life always so dualistic, one good thing gives way to one bad thing. I lost one of my jobs, but I gained some gigs. I miss nature so much while I live in Paris, but then I get the magic of the market at rue cler. It's hard to keep to my decision to move back to Texas, when everyday I'm reminded here what I'll be giving up. Wish there was a way to live in between somehow, Austin for the winter and Paris for the summer. Is there a way?

Window Displays

Lifeinparis — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 06:03:39 GMT

One of my favorite parts of Paris is the window displays. They have amazed me from day one, how beauitful, artistic, elegant even the smallest boutique's window displays.

I think it's something I've learned from paris, how to present things. Visually, people, bil boards, windows, even the city itself is not only asthetic, but always unique. They seem to have perfected the art of grabbing the eye with out being tacking. Commanding attention with out loosing an ounce of elegance or class. All the buildings in the city proper are classic, old 7 story stone buildings. Even new ones are rebuilt to the city's style. But then they have this bizarre and huge Antenae. The Eiffel Tower. No Parisian is as in love with it as we foreigners seem to be, but they don't realize how unique it makes this city. How talented it is to visually mix such contrast whilst remaining coy and understated.

This has improved my own sense of composition. And I've learned from so many window displays. Thank you Paris.

Is the Long Winter OVER yet?

Lifeinparis — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 05:55:13 GMT

Well, what can I say, I've been having a rough time FO' SHO! February brought me nothing but a troubles... computer crash, terrible flu, too much work, too little time, promised jobs falling through, cold weather, windy snow storms, must I go on? It wasn't pretty and I'm glad it's over.

Yesterday in Paris was the first warm day we've had in months. This Paris winter has been the coldest I've seen in three years, and the gray cold days were feeling very oppressive to this Texas girl. My neighbor declared yesterday that winter is over. I wish it were true, but today was back to the gray cold day. And who knows if this winter will be as unusually long, as it's been unusually cold. But one thing is for sure, it's days are numbered and my spirits are looking up.

I made this decision this past week, after facing a month of hardships that I will go back to Texas when school is over this summer. I am just facing too many obstacles to pretend that it will be possible to stay here too much longer. I am facing road blocks to making money, finding musicians to play with, getting music equipment, getting gigs, getting a social life, that list goes on and on as well. Going home seems like admitting defeat, like I just couldn't make it here. But on the other hand if feels like much needed relief to the daily struggle I've been facing for a while now. To fit in in a foreign culture, to be a part of this wonderful city that so many want to live in, to compete among world class musicians, and to stay healthy in spite of the stress and pollution and lack of family.

I am so sad to think of leaving here. It's going to make the next 5 months more bearable, knowing my days in Paris are numbered as well. I'm going to have to live it up, taking everything with me. I am not sure when I'll be back. Hopefully sooner than later.

After talking to my sister and family back home, I'm realizing that many people are facing really hard times right now. I just want to say that at least we are all in this together and my thoughts go out to everyone who feels they are working their asses off and still coming up short. It's not just in the states that people are feeling this way. And hopefully this global economic situation, well hopefully it's days are numbered as well. take care in the meantime, I know we are all just doing the best we can.

Metro Musicians

Lifeinparis — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:18:04 GMT

Ten years ago, when I came to Paris, I heard a group of musicians playing on a street corner. and I fell in love. They were native americans, a group of about 8 of them. With woodwind pipes, their sound was so beautiful.

The other day, I stopped to realized what modernization has done to that lovely group of musicians who played on the streets of paris for money. The group has been replaced by a demo cd with pre recorded accompaniment. They play heartlessly one at a time, and I'm left to wonder what happened to the rest of them?

Actually, I think there were many groups like the ones I saw and today one only finds the digital version. It's true for all street musicians these days.The lone troubador travels the metro lines, with his karyoke machine in tow. And I'm sad to say, very often little musical skill. I loathe the moment I hear one of these demos start playing. It feels like torture some mornings on the crowded metro.

The fact is that all the magic is gone from that group of street musicians that I loved. They found the demo easier to manage in these busy times we live in. Why bother with other musicians, when you can just roll the band around with you. The convenience out weights quality. IN trying to get my own band together, I really understand how this decisions was made. But I still morn the consequence. There just wasn't anything left of what I had found so fascinating 10 years ago. And it's 1 in 30 musicians I hear on the streets of paris that is offering anything close to warranting payment. In most cases, I feel I should be paid to listen to them.

Election thoughts

Lifeinparis — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 04:47:14 GMT

I'm sitting at a Fashion Trade Show in Paris. It's been a slow, dull day due to the slowing economy. My boss and I are discussing politics. We're arguing, though in reality we actually totally agree. Americans have such a fighting spirit. Such blazing hearts. How can we stand ourselves? How can we all live in the same country together with so many passionate opinions that are all right? Truly if we could walk a mile in each other's shoes, we'd understand how and why one believes what he does. And we are all indeed right in that way.

I write this as our country is boiling on the brink of another election that has divided us into red and blue again. I did not leave America because Bush was elected for his second term. But I did find it a happy consequence to leave the terrible climate of the country at that time. I had stopped talking to my family... due to our passionate differences in politics. And all the friends I agreed with were deeply depressed and disillusioned by the gap between us and them.

Truth is though, no matter the distance, I will always be American and none of us can escape our collective destiny. How many of us are worried about our fate?

And how can we be sure that it's not exactly this habit of worry that is the real threat to our well being. This might seem a jump in logic, but in my shoes, it seems perfectly logical. Obama has stated it well that we can't just expect our Politicians to change our country. Especially when we have become so cynical about the nature of politicians themselves.

It's not enough to just vote this year. We need to change our country from the inside out. Too many of us are focusing all our passion in the wrong direction. We are spinning our wheels to be the best, the richest, the most successful... forgetting completely about the pursuit of happiness itself.

..."If only I had this, If only I had that"... the pursuit of the guy, the job, the car, or most recently the right president becomes the total focus as we hang all our hopes for happiness on something outside ourselves. All the while we are forgetting that happiness is our right, in and of itself. Our country promises us this. If only we choose to have it first and then proceed in the world.

I believe if each of us took some time to remember how to be happy with out need of a reason to be, with out the the delay of the chase, then our country would indeed get back on track again. We'd find a new place in the world as Americans who use their passionate spirits to create joy in this world with solutions to global problems as well as individual ones. This is the change we all seek, and our government would reflect these changes back to us. Just as now both candidates are reflecting our sincere desire for change.

In this way no matter what happens in the election tomorrow, we are already on a better path. The character of both Candidates show that we are ready to change our focus and look for a better future. In this point, we are united as Americans, facing our future with blazing hearts.